ARGH! Body Facism!!!!!

Well,Ive had a bit of an all over the place weekend,contributed to,by several incidents.

Firstly,I went clothes shopping on Friday,which is traumatic at the best of times,but that day I just wasn't able to find anything I liked.Everything I tried on made me look frumpy.It seems that plus size designers seem to think that swathes of unappealing,garishly patterned fabric will suffice for us curvaceous ladies.And then when I did find something I liked,my d@amn ample bosom made it appear as if the bust bit was bursting at the seams.So if you're above a size 16 it's either a tent or a too small,cleavage popping outfit,that would put a stripper to shame!

Now,I am usually quite a confident woman,but for some reason that shopping expedition knocked my self esteem for 6! I think perhaps the fact that I was shopping for summer clothes for my impending trip home was playing on my mind,as I have put on at least 3 stone and 3 dress sizes since I moved to Scotland 5 years ago.I've not been home to Sydney,Australia since,and am quite self conscious that peoples first thoughts will be my weight gain.I know its silly and like all my friends and my darling partner say,no one will be thinking about that,they'll just be so happy to see me after a long absence,I still can't help feeling down.

In Australia we don't have tabloids,or magazines like reveal,closer or heat,with their relentless persecution of women's bodies and 'circles of shame'.I personally boycott them for the above reasons,but I happened across one at my mates place...........and wish I hadn't bothered.There was the infamous 'fat' pictures of Jessica Simpson,and various diet tips from celebrities,which were just utter,jaw dropping madness! There was the usual,don't eat carbs,don't eat after 6,do the special K diet when you're feeling fat etc, and some absolutely ludicrous ones,but the thing is,these ladies are scarily thin anyways.Size 6 -8.I want to be a 14! I want to eat carbs when I want! I want to enjoy eating out with friends! I want to enjoy eggs,yolks and all! When will this madness end?

On Friday night I had a girls night in,chatting to a fabulous friend of mine who is an actress.She too is a curvaceous lady,always has been and always has been confident..........until now.She has confided in me that she is thinking about giving up acting! This has been her dream since she was wee,and what she has studied and struggled through a hard actors life for,with many a month without work.She has been in some great BBC shows,and is obviously talented,but the reason she is giving up her dream?!?!??!!? Her size!!!!!!! If you ain't a skinny minnie,there ain't no work for you.I am utterly devastated for her and for women as a whole as she lives and breathes acting,its her calling and her passion,and for her to give it up because of her size? Well its just makes me so angry I could cry.

After that chat,I awoke on the Saturday morning to The truth about Size Zero' with Louise Redknapp.I had been wanting to watch this for a while,and thought 'yay,finally someone speaking out about the madness of size zero',but I couldn't be more wrong........................

For one,Louise Rednapp was a scarily tiny 7 STONE something when she started the size 0 diet - a tiny size 8.Her BMI and weight was bordering on unhealthy! Could they not have got a healthy size 12 to really show the point? part of me thought it was a bit too put on and staged,surely the diet was not that much different from what she usually ate?

And Louise interviewed Denise Van Outen who proceeded to say she 'Loved her curves and her boobs and her bum' What curves,woman? What boobs and what bum? Get outta here!!!!!!

I know,that it is not healthy to be obese,but nor is it healthy for these girls to be subsisting on lettuce and egg white omelette's,or for a grown woman to weigh 7 stone and have a BMI and weight bordering on unhealthy.

To top it all off I got this months weight watchers to get some recipes and stay motivated.And I feel like shit now,cos the cover girl's weight loss was a whopping 2 stone!!!!!! WOW! And she went from a massive size 14 to a 10!!!! WOW!

NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?!? A size 14 is considered fat?!?!?!?!?? That is worthy of a cover of a slimming magazine??? There was a woman in there who went from a size 30,to a 12,surely that is worthy of a cover?

And then I go over onto my facebook and check out one of my mates new photo albums of her on holiday in Bali and in her captions for 'who is in this album' she put 'me,carol,ben,blah,blah blah and 'my gut'.Now this girl is TINY - I'd say a size 8.My gut,my arse!!!!! I'm sick of size 10 girls going on about how fat they are in front of me - if they think they're fat what the hell do they think of me?I'm sick of being told I have such a pretty face and how I'd be even more beautiful if I lost some weight,I'm sick of how a skinny girl can have an ugly face but guys will fall at her feet,yet a girl whose big and curvy but has a STUNNING face,doesn't get a look in.I'm pissed off at myself for allowing myself to be unhappy with myself for all the above reasons.I'd like to say that the only reason I'm trying to lose weight is to be healthy,but i must admit it's for totally superficial aesthetic reasons too.

I can't believe I'm given up my feminist principles to fit into a dress.I don't even find skinny girls attractive,I like my 1940's and 50's style women,luscious and curvy.ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This society SUCKS! I should move to Cuba.