Toxic friends as motivational tools and a 40 minute walk.

I hate to sound big headed,but I think I'm a pretty awesome,loyal friend.I'll stay up with you till 3AM for a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen,even when I have to start at 7 the next morning.I'll keep secrets that would shock Jeremy Kyle (yes I have and yes,it was that heavy!)I'll stick by you when everyone else has given up on you (an alcoholic friend).I'll be your staunchest defender and your loudest cheer squad.

As I've said,my 3 best friends I have known for 19 years and 13 years.So I take friendship pretty damn seriously.That's why I feel so awful that I am actually using a 'friend' as a motivational tool.

Let me explain,after 3 years of one sided friendship,I've recently fell out with a so called friend.The signs were there from the beginning that this wasn't a friendship worth investing in,but I didn't listen to my gut.

I met this girl through my flatmate,who she so happened to be head over heels in love with.She would hang about our flat like a fly around shite and use seeing me as a pretense for the hope of bumping into him (I later found out).As soon as he moved back to his native South Africa,I saw her half as much - in fact even less so.

You'd think I would've figured it out by now? No! This woman is one of the most neurotic,dramatic (and I have drama queen tendencies,but I do know where to draw the line),ego - centric people you ever will meet.Friendship with her is hard work.And I've now found out I'm not the only one who thinks this.Oh,and she's an actress.Professionally trained and for a living.But not just professionally,you never really knew if she was acting in real life or not,whether her tears were crocodiles or real.

Everything in her life is everyone else's fault,she never takes any responsibility for her actions.She will constantly let you down and cancel plans at the last minute,going so far as not answering her phone and making up lame excuses when plans have been made and she doesn't show. It can be weeks on end,months even without her answering any texts or calls,yet God forbid if you dare not answer her calls or texts - you will get constant texts and phone calls till you finally answer.Texts of a very sarcastic and bitchy nature.Chronically single and chronically bitchy about my relationship,and any other girl who dared to go out with the affore mentioned flatmate.

After 3 years of the constant effort on my behalf and constant let downs on her side,things came to a head after yet another let down in plans and another bitchy text and we fell out.Surprisingly for a fiery Arien as myself,I kept my cool and no nasty words were exchanged from my side.

I actually felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders,that I wouldn't have to be dealing with this toxic 'friend' anymore.Why put up with it for 3 years? I don't know,I guess I just see the good side of people.Enough was enough however.Friendship shouldn't be hard work.Sure,you do have to put some effort in,from both sides,but it should never be hard work.

Sooooo,as to my dilemma.This woman is a few pounds lighter than me.We are built quite differently though and have extremely different styles of dress.Is it totally wrong and bitchy of me to use her as one of my motivational tools to lose weight? Like,don't get mad,get fabulous and rub it her face?!?!?!? LOL.OK,maybe not that harsh,but I couldn't help thinking as I was on my walk today,how utterly divine it would feel to bump into her again and be much lighter than I am now.

I am a total woman's woman and hate to see how we bitch and back stab each other.In fat I refuse to buy heat and star and all those other trash mags for the relentless bitching and scrutiny of women's lives and bodies.Yet here I am using another woman as a yardstick of such for my weight loss.I know we all have 'frenemies' (I hate that word) in our lives but do you use them as a wee bit of motivation? Am I a terrible person????

On a less bitchy note,I took the first step to the 5K today.I walked halfway home from work today,2 miles in 40 mins in the mist and cold.OK,I was maybe a bit ambitious,with my chest still a wee bit tight and congested,hence the slow pace and halfway mark,but it's a start.I'll try and attempt the 2 miles again on the Saturday and Sunday.....unless the forecast snow thwarts my plans!