Devil vs Devil

Thanks for all the twitter,facebook and blog loving guys..........especially to my last picture post.

I don't know where that quote came from but I fucking love it! I will not even disguise my use of profanities because it's that ridiculously awesome that the gratuitous use of profanities is needed.

Now,I've written and re-written a post along thee lines about a million times now.Forgive me if it's a bit disjointed.For some time the total feminist,anti-body fascist,pro body acceptance in me has been totally battling the vanity in me that wants to be slimmer.I'm totally cool with the health reasons for it,it's just the vanity of it.The want to (sort of) give in to societies dictations of what's beautiful and 'normal' and what the shops dictate to be an acceptable size.

I've said before,I have never been skinny,size 14 is maybe the slimmest I was once I hit my teens but I was fit and healthy and active.I never really suffered from low self esteem,ironically I've become more self conscious in the last few years or so,but then I have been at my biggest these last few years.Plus the fact that Glasgow has to be the eating disorder/superficial/ competitive women capital of the WORLD.........outside LA,maybe ;P

Here's a wee story for you......................

Some days I feel fcuking AMAZING and gorgeous and it must show as I still get compliments from both strangers and friends,men and women,despite my ample proportions.Other days I feel like a totally unattractive lump of lard and just don't take pride in my appearance.Then I get pissed off at myself for falling into the trap of believing that I am somehow less beautiful, amazing,worthy or plain FABULOUS because I am fat.I am really trying to work on my mindset in terms of self worth as well as changing eating habits.

I hold myself back from so many things because I think 'I need to be slimmer to do that'.For example,I really want to do a Burlesque class.But I keep thinking,when I lose some weight I'll enrol.Why the fuck should I wait?!?!?!?! Why am I listening to society's voice inside my head telling me that it wouldn't be socially acceptable,offensive even to shake my jelly in a Burlesque class?

I buy gorgeous vintage style dresses in size 14 or 16 for when I eventually lose weight and deem myself worthy of dressing the way I want instead of buying those dresses in my current size and dressing the way I want NOW.

I really need to stop this attitude and I really need to make peace with my anti body fascism vs. wanting to slim down self.I am slowly beginning to console the two.I know I need to get healthier,but I also know that my ideal body is a big F.U! to the face of fashion and society.

I have no problem with girls that want this body,as long as it's REALLY what you want and not what you THINK you should be..............

BTW,I'm not sure how I feel about the message in this photo.

But my ideal is this...................................

I know for a fact a girl can be curvaceous and fit at the same time.Been there,done that.I LOVE having boobs and a bum,but how do I tell a Weight Watchers leader that?

Yes,tomorrow I am biting the bullet and joining a meeting,but I know my goal shape is going to be at least a good few stone over the WW/BMI index ideal weight.DO I just go in and continue on till I get to the shape I want? Or will that be soul destroying as I will be 1-2 stone from goal??? My ideal weight for my height of 5'6 is 55kg-69kg/8.5st-11st,by the way.My shape at a size 14 was about 12 st.

So,onto you readers,particularly you feminists out there.How do you console the body acceptance with the vanity of losing weight (disregarding the health side,as we know that's a MUST)? Do you let your weight hold you back or do you go f*ck it and do it anyways? This goes for the guys too! Is your goal weight what your WW/SW goal is?

xox Steph

Crap but fabulous.

Nothing new to report today except I ate like crap because I didn't plan or take my food into work, and we were out for lunch and dinner.But did walk an hour to work...............

And I saw this on Celia's lovely blog and it is now my new workout mantra.............

Ditzy Moments and Crap Diet Books to Avoid

I can be quite a ditz at times.I consider myself quite well read ,worldly and without sounding like a total egoist,intelligent and I have the University Challenge scores to prove it!...........albeit from the comfort of my own couch playing against the Scotsman,but still,my other geeky friends have never managed to score as high as me ;P But nonetheless I can be extremely ditzy at times.World knowledge and useless facts 1 - common/practical sense 0.

I've been quite miffed at the gym machines as I have been working hard,heart rate high,muscles burning and sweat lashing off me,yet the calories I'm burning seemed quite low in comparison to my physical effort.Then today i figured out that you could input your weight and age into the machine................lo and behold my calories burnt rose in proportion to my physical exertion.Happy days.

Ditzy moment number 2,I thought replacing milk and yogurts with soy products would replace the calcium and benefits of dairy that I'm missing out on.But good old google has pointed out to me that it doesn't.DOH! Of course it wouldn't,it's made from a bean!!!!!! Why the hell would I think that!

In other news,I walked halfway to work yesterday at the ungodly hour of 7:15am - 25 mins

Today was: 60 mins treadmill
20 mins cross trainer
15 mins intense weight training for my arms
15 min swim (my poor body was telling me to rest)

As with any girl trying to lose some pounds I've read quite a few diet books lately.I don't know why - I know what works for me and what I need to do.Most of them are crap and here are 2 to avoid.............

Neris and India's Idiot Proof Diet.I found it at a second hand bookstore so thankfully I didn't waste too much money on this crap.I had sooooo much hope for it,cute,witty writing and the authors themselves had lost a tonne of weight,but alas it's just basically Atkins which I know works for some but I just don't trust a diet where fruit is seen as evil.

Secondly was How To Eat Like A Hot Chick which I was given as a gift.Now I REALLY had super high hopes for this one - pin up girl on the cover,SATC style writing,a promise of how you can eat what you want and still lose weight (yeah,I already know this from WW, moderation, moderation, MODERATION!). However it was full of foods you could and absolutely couldn't have,and basically crap information like:

* Cheese is evil,but you can have as much Parmesan as you want to.
* Mayonnaise is evil.
* Anytime you are hungry and tempted to stray eat a pound of spinach.
* No cocktails whatsoever.

At this point I lost interest.I KNOW that this is probably why skinny girls are skinny and why I am fat but I do not want to be skinny and live by stringent rules and a life of forbidden foods.I'd rather be a size 14 and be able to east cheese on the odd occasion and enjoy a cocktail or 7 on a night out.