Devil vs Devil

Thanks for all the twitter,facebook and blog loving guys..........especially to my last picture post.

I don't know where that quote came from but I fucking love it! I will not even disguise my use of profanities because it's that ridiculously awesome that the gratuitous use of profanities is needed.

Now,I've written and re-written a post along thee lines about a million times now.Forgive me if it's a bit disjointed.For some time the total feminist,anti-body fascist,pro body acceptance in me has been totally battling the vanity in me that wants to be slimmer.I'm totally cool with the health reasons for it,it's just the vanity of it.The want to (sort of) give in to societies dictations of what's beautiful and 'normal' and what the shops dictate to be an acceptable size.

I've said before,I have never been skinny,size 14 is maybe the slimmest I was once I hit my teens but I was fit and healthy and active.I never really suffered from low self esteem,ironically I've become more self conscious in the last few years or so,but then I have been at my biggest these last few years.Plus the fact that Glasgow has to be the eating disorder/superficial/ competitive women capital of the WORLD.........outside LA,maybe ;P

Here's a wee story for you......................

Some days I feel fcuking AMAZING and gorgeous and it must show as I still get compliments from both strangers and friends,men and women,despite my ample proportions.Other days I feel like a totally unattractive lump of lard and just don't take pride in my appearance.Then I get pissed off at myself for falling into the trap of believing that I am somehow less beautiful, amazing,worthy or plain FABULOUS because I am fat.I am really trying to work on my mindset in terms of self worth as well as changing eating habits.

I hold myself back from so many things because I think 'I need to be slimmer to do that'.For example,I really want to do a Burlesque class.But I keep thinking,when I lose some weight I'll enrol.Why the fuck should I wait?!?!?!?! Why am I listening to society's voice inside my head telling me that it wouldn't be socially acceptable,offensive even to shake my jelly in a Burlesque class?

I buy gorgeous vintage style dresses in size 14 or 16 for when I eventually lose weight and deem myself worthy of dressing the way I want instead of buying those dresses in my current size and dressing the way I want NOW.

I really need to stop this attitude and I really need to make peace with my anti body fascism vs. wanting to slim down self.I am slowly beginning to console the two.I know I need to get healthier,but I also know that my ideal body is a big F.U! to the face of fashion and society.

I have no problem with girls that want this body,as long as it's REALLY what you want and not what you THINK you should be..............

BTW,I'm not sure how I feel about the message in this photo.

But my ideal is this...................................

I know for a fact a girl can be curvaceous and fit at the same time.Been there,done that.I LOVE having boobs and a bum,but how do I tell a Weight Watchers leader that?

Yes,tomorrow I am biting the bullet and joining a meeting,but I know my goal shape is going to be at least a good few stone over the WW/BMI index ideal weight.DO I just go in and continue on till I get to the shape I want? Or will that be soul destroying as I will be 1-2 stone from goal??? My ideal weight for my height of 5'6 is 55kg-69kg/8.5st-11st,by the way.My shape at a size 14 was about 12 st.

So,onto you readers,particularly you feminists out there.How do you console the body acceptance with the vanity of losing weight (disregarding the health side,as we know that's a MUST)? Do you let your weight hold you back or do you go f*ck it and do it anyways? This goes for the guys too! Is your goal weight what your WW/SW goal is?

xox Steph

Epiphany #2

Ugh! While mentally I feel totally positive,physically I feel even worse,coughing my lungs up and generally feel like shite.7 days in a row,I don't have a day off till Thursday.As I'm not permanent yet,if I don't work I don't get paid.Bleuch!

All good plans,physically/exercise wise,have gone awry again.I'm mentally preparing myself for a gain or staying the same as the last few days have looked like this...........

Fri 8-2 shift

B:Punnet of blueberries and Special K berry bliss with S.Skim milk

L:Out for a surprise lunch from the Scotsman Tomato and mozzarella salad with balsamic glaze Small steak with pepper sauce and small portion chips

D:Grapes and packet of 'Pom Bears' cheese and onion crisps.

Sat:1-9 shift

B/L: Special K berry bliss with S.skim. Punnet blueberries

D: Chinese take away night chosen by the clients. Small serving rice,mushroom and chicken in creamy wine sauce (I know,bad choice!)
A few chips. Grapes

I know it's sooooooo bad to skip meals and it wasn't even a deliberate ploy to claw back points.I just wasn't hungry after the steak lunch,and yesterday I got up late so ate b'fast at work about 2pm and then dinner was at 5pm.

I could be OK,with the one 45 minute exercise session I did and little food/points intake but then again I might not be.Oh well,to be honest I'm not that upset,because I know that these last few weeks I have really stuck to healthy eating and changing my habits which will lead to long term changes in weight.Nearly 3 weeks with no chocolate (well,that one tiny strawberry cream) or cola or fizzy drinks!

The Scotsman and friends noticed that this time round I've not been so militant and emotional about my eating.In past attempts if I'd gone out and had the steak lunch and work take away,and get all depressed and angry and mentally beat myself up and think fcuk it,and use it as a license to eat badly for the rest of the week.Or even the next few months as all motivation would be lost and I would think that i was a failure not able to stick at anything.

*This is the first time that I've actually stuck to this for 3 consecutive weeks and not gone off the wagon.Not long I know,but a big personal achievement.
*I've been enthusiastic about eating healthily and actually WANTED to eat healthily,instead of it feeling like a chore and something I had to do.
*This is the first time I've actually looked forward to exercise!!!!! I know it's only been 3 weeks,but i can see a total different mind frame in myself from all those other attempts.

Yes,I've had an epiphany of sorts.In my numerous attempts over the last 6 years on WW,I've never really felt confident that I would do this.You may see from previous posts,in fact one just a few weeks ago,that I would focus so much on how much weight I could lose in X amount of time.And i would totally focus on cramming in as much weight loss in a short amount of time.

Well,I think it's all come from epiphany #1.I finally have focus and direction in my life.Hell,I have a life plan! :O And somehow this,coupled with turning 30 has led to this new focus.My mates can't understand it,but I'm looking forward to turning 30.I have a brilliant life to look forward to.All the confusion and shite and not knowing what I was doing with my life in my 20's is gone.And even though it's not 2 years till we get to Oz,i will use these 2 years to focus on getting healthy and fit so that I can enjoy my beach lifestyle.

Instead of aiming to lose 8 stone in a year,I'm gonna take the pressure off myself and give myself the whole 2 years and focus on one bad habit at a time.It seems to have worked in relation to points (I am no longer following points but just using them as a rough guideline) so hopefully it will work in regards to the weight.

Good luck to everyone else.Will post weigh in results tomorrow.xox