a ranty,disjointed post.........don't say I didn't warn ya.

Why is it that once people lose a substantial amount of weight or reach goal they get all preachy and evangelical about it?I don't for one second believe that you can go from being a sugar obsessed binge eater to a quinoa-courgette pasta loving gym bunny easily.

I believe of course it CAN be done,just not that it's that easy.

Just once I would love for someone to come out and say 'It's fcuking hard.I fight cravings for chocolate every day.I still want that cake and I want it now to feed the stress from work/life in general.The gym still sucks.I still need to drag my arse outta bed to exercise everyday and courgette spirals are no substitute for real,carby pasta,but it's what I have to do.Oh,and it took me 7 attempts to finally get me where I am today'

Or is it just me????????

I am really struggling at the moment.Physically in terms of sticking to healthy eating and exercise and emotionally.Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly climbing up a mountain of fat and I'm just getting nowhere.Then I beat myself up for beating myself up.I just feel like how many fcuking times will I attempt this before I finally get to my goal????? It's not helped by the fact I work 2:1 with some kids,with skinny minnies much younger than me with borderline eating disorders/body dysmorphia.I would really hate to be a young woman in Glasgow nowadays.But that's a whole other blog post.

Then there's the visa.I managed to cut down to 130 hours at the beginning of the month,but I am now at over 210.I've just agreed to do a Weds 8am - Thurs 8pm sleepover shift.Mainly because this bloody visa is costing us an arm and a leg.On top of being the most expensive visa Australia has,we then had to fork out to go to Edinburgh (£30 before we even left the station!) and then an extortionate amount for the Scotsman's medicals,then we have to pay for his criminal record check and for a solicitor to certify his passport copies.All this to get my own fiance into my own country.And I'm so pissed off with myself,as when I read stories like this,it turns this soft hearted leftie into a slightly right leaning lass.I mean we are probably spending more than $AUD 4000 to get into my own country legally.Then I hate myself for feeling so bitter about a cause I once was so passionate about.ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the wedding/handfasting.It seems to be slowly snowballing into something so far opposite to what the Scotsman and I want and morphing more and more into what my mum,sister and others want.

I've never been the marrying type.I can barely commit to something for more than 5 minutes,let alone 5 years,let alone a lifetime! I adore my gorgeous Scotsman,but I must admit there is a teeny tiny part of me that is secretly both excited and terrified at what the next year holds.

I mean,we are in a loving,monogamous,fun relationship,but not living together means we still maintain that level of independence.I can't wait to finally live with him but I do think it's going to be a huge culture shock - living with a partner,being married and coming back to Sydney after so long away from home.Plus the fact that we are literally polar opposites in every single way.Living together is going to be an interesting ride.............

So back to the point.I understand that being the total anti-marriage woman I was,my mum and sister and friends and family are naturally excited that they can help plan a wedding for me,but I just sometimes wish they would back.the.fcuk.off.

We just want a simple ceremony on the beach,no big white dress,a BBQ in our back yard for our reception.All my ideas are getting vetoed.I feel like just giving up and eloping.

Then there's the question of children.Being 31 and 37,immigrating and marrying the big C word often comes up.We both don't want children,but sometimes it seems like I am committing a cardinal sin by actually articulating out loud the fact that I do not want kids and have never had that maternal feeling around babies.Which is strange as I love the kids I work with,the more challenging the more rewarding,I just don't want to come home to my own.The thought of falling pregnant is my worst nightmare.I respect all the mothers out there,call me anytime for babysitting duties,but it's just not for me.

So I'm just in a bit of a slump really..........visa,marriage pressures,children,uncertainty with work hours,flat sharing with 2 other people just makes me pissed off and reach for the chocolate.

Now I know people are experiencing bigger and badder issues out there and I'm a very lucky girl to have found my soul mate and be moving to Oz but I still can't help feeling like my heads about to burst.I feel most of the time like I'm being a selfish drama queen beeatch but it's where my heads at at the mo.

So a new month begins,I am seriously going to try and stick with normal working hours and get myself back on the wagon for the millionth time.

Hope you're all doing well and thanks for listening if you got this far ;P xox