Sunday, 23 May 2010

Shy dancers and cupcake vs. Galah

Well I've had an amazing start if I do say so myself.

1 hours walk at 7am to work Tues,Weds,Thurs,Sat.

Sat - about a 45 minute walk pushing a service user in a wheelchair.

Sun - also about 45 minutes walking around the park and back to a cafe (2 eggs scrambled with toast,1 rasher of bacon with all the fat cut off,small glass of OJ) then for a friends picnic in the park.

Eats have been totally on track,next to NO chocolate imbibed all week.The exception being a 3 point crunchie and some low point muesli bars with a tiny bit of chocolate on them.

Today as I mentioned was a friend's birthday in the park.Glasgow is having some surprisingly beautiful hot,sunny weather,which will hopefully stay with us for a long while to come.This was a first major test in my first week as we are all big foodies and there was a fabulous and huge spread of cupcakes (my downfall),chocolates,chocolate desserts,delicatessen delights,crisps,huge door stopper sandwiches and more.

Thankfully due to the heat and sheer and utter willpower I managed to resist the temptation of the glorious cupcakes and chocolates.Instead I gorged myself on watermelon,strawberries,kiwis and grapes.With a few strawberry ciders in between.

I am way back on track babee!

Now for the one downside this week.Yesterday a whole bunch of us went out to watch the football.Yes,football.6 years of friendship and then couple hood with a Scotsman has turned me into quite a knowledgeable football convert.

Once the game was over the dancing started.We were quite a big group and everyone in our group got up and danced the night away.Everyone except for me.

I am usually quite a confident girl.I know how to dress and flatter my shape.Black doesn't feature in my wardrobe.I'm not afraid to wear bright colours and patterns.I usually don't care what people think,but for some reason I am just too self conscious to get up and dance.I just feel like a big fat awkward blob compared to everyone else.And I freaking LOVE dancing.

When I'm at home by myself doing housework or just chilling out I'm like Louie Spence on speed.When I was back home and slimmer,I was a total raver.Out dancing every Friday and Saturday night.What happened to that girl?

To make things worse,my friends,the Scotsman,my sister and total strangers kept hassling me to get up and dance.There was a particular guy who kept asking me telling my mates that his mission for the night was to get me up to dance.The Scotsman's reply was 'Mate,she's not even getting up to dance with me when I ask,you've got nae chance.'

The more and more people asked me the more and more I felt self conscious and guilty for letting my weight and confidence get in the way of a good time but I just couldn't do it.At one point in the evening I actually had tears welling up.Tears of anger,envy,tiredness and frustration.Just fecking leave me alone,you'll never understand tears.

On the way home in the taxi my very drunk sister and Scotsman proceeded to talk about how much fun they had dancing and what a great night it was.My sister then turned to me and said,quite accusingly 'You didn't dance again tonight,you never get up and dance.Never.Why don't you ever get up and dance? You never ever get up and dance.'

Well wee sister,you will never understand why I didn't get up and dance.Never.Because even at your biggest,you are still a lot slimmer than me.You will never know the shame and frustration of allowing yourself to get this big.The self consciousness when dancing next to a lot slimmer friends and feeling like a big galumphing elephant next to them.The embarrassment of being so grossly unfit you have to use your inhaler after dancing to just a few bars of a song.

But dear wee sister,I shall shed this weight and I shall become confident again,and not just because I have lost weight,because I am soooooo much more than just my weight,but because I am fit enough to out dance you.Watch this space,Raver chick will be back with a vengeance!!!!!!!!!!!


Roo said...

The last part of your post could have been written by me. I love to dance (in my home) but I wouldnt dare do it outside. My weight affects my confidence as it does you but like youself my sister doesnt understand as again her heaviest weight is my goal weight.

I wish you every success in your journey, I love reading your blog. I think everyone has a inner desire to be a pin-up. :)

Rapunzel said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry that you didn't get up and dance but looove your attitude and determination! You go girl! xoxoox

Jaframity said...

Massive (((hugs))) to you from one who has been there too - from loving to make an arse of myself on the dancefloor to being afraid and too distressed to even try. Yes, you will succeed. It doesn't even take that much weight loss to start to feel confident again, honest, and when it kicks in you'll be unstoppable.

My problem now is that there aren't as many opportunities for embarrassing the kids with my moves these days. lol.