Well,I've decided to go it alone.Like Sophie,and you really MUST read her blog,she's fab,I know WW inside out due to the many tries and fails over the last 6 years.I must also confess that the whole points things just feels to restricting and diet like and totally feeds into my neurotic side.

I've gutted my room in anticipation of Hogmanay.Hoping and wishing that going into the new year with a clean room will somehow make me continue these tidy habits long into 2010,and I found.............

14 pin up - rockabilly dresses
5 pencil skirts in various patterns and variations
4 cute pin up style tops and
1 FAB leopard print coat,oh so Rita Hayworth (stay with me please,it's not a trashbag one you will find at shops like Quiz etc,) All in much smaller sizes that I bought in a delusionary state,thinking I'd be able to slim down into.And there are many more gorgeous Irregular Choice and Red or Dead heel which I simply cannot walk in at the mo.

Well,no more delusions.I WILL be slim by the end of this year,and I'm not gonna look back at all my failed attempts.I'm 30 this year - this is gonna be the best decade of my life :D

Still F*AT*

I'm back.New year,new me blah blah blah and all that shite.

I weighed myself the other day and no surprise here,but I've put on a few more pounds and am at the heaviest I've ever been.I don't know what happened to my mojo.I have been slim before and therefore I KNOW I can do this.I've just been so lax and plain STOOPID.

Won't be as fabulously slim for my 30th as I would have wished,but dammit I will be fabulous and a wee bit slimmer none the less.

My 2 nearest and dearest have,as politely as you can when it comes to matters of weight,expressed concern about my health and worsening asthma.And I'm now sick of having to shop in plus size stores and not having any style of my own.I used to have my own individual style,now it's just whatever I can get that fits,and looks semi nice.

So,I don't know how I will approach this this year,but I HAVE to do this,I'm getting winded climbing up the two flights of stairs to my flat and dammit I'm vain.I want to be able to fit into my rack of pretty dresses and walk in heels and make heads turn again.....for the right reasons too.

Will report back soon with a plan of action - meeting vs. online.Weight watchers vs. Slimming world,gym vs. outdoor physical exercise.etc. etc.

xox

I'm alive!

Scheisse! 4 months since my last post?!?!?!?!?!? Life has been crazy busy - well my so called life.I should re-phrase that.Work has been crazy and taken over my life.I've still managed drunken shenanigans in between work and my so called life.

Diet wise..............not so good.Gained 6lb/3kg's in the last 4 months.Not so bad when I look it in taht time frame,but still,I could've lost a couple of stone in taht time frame.

Oh well,will soldier on and get serious for the 10 millionth time.

However,now work calls,will write a proper post soon.xox

In the Immortal Words of Ms Bette Davis.....

Let's not ask for the moon,we have the stars.

(If you've not seen this film,hire it out...NOW!)


Well I'm shooting for the Moon Ms Davis!

When I've been bored at work,and hell,just bored in general,I've been obsessing over calculations in my head.E.g If I lose X amount a week,I could lose X stone by X time and be a size X.

I've calculated it's 25 weeks till Christmas. On Friday (my weigh in day) it will be exactly 25 weeks till the 25th of December.I took this as a sign and have set myself a mini challenge to lose 25 kilos/50 pounds/4 stone by the 25th.It's totally do-able as long as I keep eating the way I am but more importantly,focus and get some regular exercise in.If I don't do it,I'm not going to berate myself for it as long as my losses are consistent.As the many variations on this quote say 'Shoot for the moon,if you fail you'll land among the stars'.

My Cherry Dress!

Finally found pictures of the 30th birthday dress...........

it's still hanging up on my bed room door as a motivator.

Another day,another night shift.

It seems as if the universe is conspiring against me losing weight.I was all geared up to start a new swimming regime last week,but I have been sick as a dog since last Monday (and yes I freaked out and no,it's not Swine Flu).Walking any distance,let alone up stairs leaves my lungs feeling like the Coyote when the Road Runner drops big iron weight on his chest.I'm hacking coughs like my life depends on it and have used up an entire forest's worth of tissues.

I was determined to start next week,as this week my work schedule is just bonkers,but no.Got shifts coming out of my ears again.Being an agency worker on a mission to emigrate back to Sydney I need to take whatever I can while the work's going,coz you never know what's around the corner - I've had weeks living off just 15 hours wages.Hence me being in the state I'm in,body totally run down after constant 50 - 60 hour weeks.I don't even have kids! I don't know how working parents do it!

Here's how this week pans out........

Fri:10:00 - 20:00 shift,1 1/2 hours travel time each way.The joys of public transport.No exercise done.
Sat:Night shift 22:00 - 08:00.No exercise done before.Sick as a dog.
Sun:Sleep.Awoke feeling like a mucous monster with a boa constrictor wrapped around my chest.All intentions of attacking the treadmill went out the window.
Mon(today):Night shift as before.Managed to climb the stairs to the third floor for my 2 hourly checks without needing my Ventolin - a first since last Monday.May attempt to power walk around the open plan kitchen/living room.
Tues:Sleep,then a 5:30 - 22:00 shift
Weds:09:00-12:00 shift,then sleep then another night shift.May attempt 20 mins at least on the treadmill to tire me out so I sleep.
Thurs:Sleep,then meeting AngelBoy for tapas lunch.
Fri:08:00-16:00.MUST EXERCISE!!!!!!!
Sat:08:00-16:00,then 18:00-22:30 shifts,in opposite ends of Glasgow.Break between shifts will be spent travelling on buses.
Sun: 14:30 - 22:30.MUST EXERCISE!!!!!!!!!

Mon:Off with AngelBoy,will attempt to haul our asses out of bed before 1PM and attempt a big walk.
Tues: 09:00-12:00,13:00-21:00.Break spent travelling.
Weds:09:00 - 12:00,13:00 - 21:00.Break spent travelling.
Thurs:OFF!!!!! By myself!!!!! I love my Weegie Boy to bits but I do look forward to 'me' time.A big swim and a walk around the park me thinks.
Fri:08:00-21:00.No way is anything going to be done after this shift other than kicking back with a wee cigar and a glass of wine.(Yes I know smoking is unbelievably bad for mind,body and soul and especially Asthma,but this is a rare and special indulgence.)

PHEW!!!!!

I know that I need to make time for myself,but to be honest.I am sooooooo damn knackered after these shifts all I want to do is take a shower,wash the working day away and chillllllllll. Especially in my line of work.It's so mentally as well as physically exhausting.

I just hope my body feels better sometime soon,as my mind is totally revved up and raring to go,it's just this damn body and it run down immune system that's not.ARGH!

On a positive though,a few wee changes in the thought stream department which may seem trivial to most people but are HUGE in GlasgowGalah world.I have got the eating thing reined in.....so far.I've rediscovered my love for fruit and veg is now my friend.I am cooking every meal from scratch,have educated myself about reading food labels and can actually stop myself at just ONE teeny tiny fun sized chocolate bar instead of inhaling the whole bag.In fact,there is still a hoard of chocolate that I brought back from home,3 1/2 months ago,still untouched and unopened.

And as for alchomohol.......I've not touched a cocktail in about 2 weeks,I will have a glass of wine after work - not everyday,but when I feel like it and it's just limited to one instead of the whole bottle (*joke!* The whole 5 bottle experience with my sister has scarred me for life.) And on days off I just treat myself to a bottle of nice cava,or if my budget allows Champers,to share with AB.Whereas before I would have that AND copius amounts of home made cocktails with copius amounts of various spirits and liquers......and,shock,horror!!!!! There is no Vodka in my house!!!!!!! And I'm not freaking out!!!!! (***See note below)

Hope everyone else is feeling much better.I promise the recipes will come soon.Have been experimenting with savoury dishes so will post them soon,but right now I jut want it to be 8AM and me to be wrapped up in bed.xox

N.B *** I must clarify,I am not an alcoholic,I am just merely Australian ;P

Waheyyyyyyy!

Couldn't think of a more interesting title.But anyhoo - this week it's another 1 1/2 pounds off! So taht's 4 1/2 in 3 weeks.Aiming for 2 1/2 this week and my first silver 7.So utterly tragic of me to be getting excited over a wee silver sticker but what can I say,anything sparkly I covet.And 7 is my lucky number.

Speaking of covet.I've finally treated to myself to Dita Von Teese's book Burlesque and the Art of Teese.What beautiful photography.That girl has the 40's elegance down to a T.And I love her attitude to her fellow women and glamour.

Fab quote #1 'There is no such thing as a plain lady,everyone has their best features,accentuate and focus on them'

Fab quote #2 'I advocate glamour......ALWAYS'

I love that last one.I think Glasgow especially is lacking in glamour and class.......unless tango tan (the deeper shade of orange,the better),skirts so short you can see the bits that just should nae be seen out in public and clown face make up is your idea of glamour - oh and I forgot,the (fake) blonde hair bleached and straightened within an inch of it's life.Not that I have anything against bottle blonde's.....my bestest mate back home is a slave to the peroxide bottle,but it's natural looking and not so.......severe.And being a naturally curly haired woman that not even GHD's can tame you can of course understand why I wish for the day that curls come back - not in a Kylie Minogue perm circa neighbours 1984 though,please.

I promised many weeks back that I would post some recipes for plum tea cake and banana bread.I'm breaking that promise as I wouldn't wish those recipes on anyone.

I think that I am a slightly above average home baker/cook.I bake my own bread,make my own pasta.Anything that can be made from scratch from custard to pastry to naan bread to ice cream has been attempted with much enthusiasm.Packet mixes and frozen meals were banned from my house by my father.Everything was/is made from scratch,but I am lucky as he is a chef who passed on his enthusiasm and passion to me,unfortunately they by passed my sister.I can spend as much time in Lakeland drooling over their products as I can in Schuh salivating over Irregular Choice heels.When I was given a pasta maker it was as joy inducing as giving a designer hand bag is to my sister.

I have many requests for peoples birthday cakes and the one thing requested whenever I'm going to a friends is either my Indonesian Spring Rolls or my decadent Chocolate Velvet Raspberry Cream Fudge cake.You can now obviously see how I ended up the size I am.

I attacked the ww cake recipes with much enthusiasm and whilst they did come out of the oven quite aesthetically pleasing,the texture was rubbery and the taste was that much dreaded 'synthetic' diet taste.I didn't enjoy them at all and neither did my flatmates or my AngelBoy and have come to the conclusion that when I bake it will be proper cakes with butter and egg yolks dammit!!!!! Unfortunately that means a cake slice for 8 points.

I'll just make sure that they are distributed amongst flatmates,friends and neighbours (who luckily enough are also friends) and that there are enough points to accommodate - even if it does mean eating o -point savoury liquid for lunch and dinner.So the temptation is quashed but the joy of baking good,proper,delicious moist and crumbly cakes remains.Same goes for the Spring Rolls.A friend and I were both dieting many moons ago and tried baking them in the oven instead of frying them.It was spring roll carnage.

I do however have a wonderful home made bread recipe that I will post tomorrow.It works out to be 2.5 points per slice,but these are hearty slices and this bread is just too divine to eat any other.Dead easy too and pounding and kneading bread is very therapeutic,or is it just me.

Anyhoo,I shall sign off now as I am rabbiting and have to find ways to stay awake for the next 9 hours.Good luck to everyone else.xoxo

Uber quick update

Sorry I've not been around - working like a dog and been sick since Monday.who gets sick in the middle of a heatwave?!?!?!?!? Anyways,first weigh in 3 pounds off!!!!! Absolutely stoked :D off to my weigh in in 15 mins so will update the damage this arvo.xox

Call me a freak but...........

I don't like soup.Not even evil Scottish winters can convince me of the virtues of soup.I just don't get the whole liquid lunch thing (especially savoury liquid) unless of course we're talking Champers and Cocktails.

However,as a sign of my commitment and determination this week.....(yes,I know it's only the first week,of my 5 millionth attempt,but usually by now I would be rocking in a corner,a mountain of chocolate wrappers by my side and an empty bottle of raspberry Vodka on the other.) I have made and eaten a big batch of veg soup made out of some poor dying,but still edible I might add,root veg languishing in the bottom of my fridge.I am now a convert.Who knew savoury liquid could taste so good?!?!?!? Although I draw the line at organic German potato juice I once saw in a Sydney hippie Deli.

I have to say,something has just clicked this time and without even consciously realising it i have this week so far...............

* NOT HAD ANY CHOCOLATE!!!!!!! Anybody that knows me,knows that I start to convulse and hyperventilate if there is less than a kilo's worth of various chocolate stashed about my flat....add to that Vodka of various fruit infusions and a bottle of Cava.There must always be chocolate,vodka and cava in my flat.

I've only noticed today as I was frantically searching my room for my camera and happened upon 4 different stashes.I realised I had not had any,nor did I feel remotely tempted.I read on another blog to break down what your favourite vice was - eg Chocolate is just a mix of sugar and fat.I know think of that every time I look at chocolate and cry on the inside.It's like finding out your idol's flaws I suppose.

And add to that,I have managed to go out on Friday night and Saturday night for dinner and not touch a drop of anything remotely alcoholic.And a bottle of Cava and Mango Absolut vodka remain sitting in their rightful places,unscathed by the weekends social events.

* I've actually come home from work,no matter how exhausted and been totally psyched to get on my treadmill - I even pushed myself like I've never pushed before and managed a solid 10 Min's of VERY brisk power walking,even,dare I say it,nearly a JOG!

* I've cooked every meal from scratch.I love cooking so that's not so much the issue.It's more about making the time and effort for myself and thinking and planning about what I'm putting into my body instead of whatever is the most quickest and convienient on offer

This had better show on the scales or I am going to throw a drama queen strop that would even make Bette Davis quake in her boots.

I've been wondering why this time I feel soooo much more determined and motivated than I have ever before,and I've pin pointed it to the fact that I'm coming up to the age where my mother had breast cancer and this has scared me into WW submission.All those other times I tried and failed,there was always an excuse to try again another time and continue on,knowing that I wasn't as grotesquely overweight as I am now,and had youth on my side.

Now I literally have to do this as the hereditary risk is too high for me to even chance carrying around excess weight,and I am determined to run/power walk the race for life next year for my amazing Mama who's a fighter and a survivor,and in memory of the other ladies in my life who didn't.

Ok,that's a bit too morbid and serious for my liking,I'm off to munch on something angelic and hope the next 8 hours fly in.Good luck to everyone else and thank you all so much for the lovely comments :D xox

Bullet biting.

Well I bit the bullet and did it.I finally walked through the doors and joined a meeting.Starting weight a disgusting 19st 5lb,but this is the last time I will ever see those numbers on a scale again.

I feel uber positive already,the leader lady is an absolute sweetheart and I warmed to her straight away.She has a picture of herself at her heaviest blown up and displayed behind her at the meeting,which I have never seen a leader do before.She focuses on everyones loss and involves everyone in the discussions,whether they've lost a pound or 3,and re-iterates the fact that a pound lost is still a pound less and to be celebrated.

The rest of the ladies in the group are lovely and friendly and a whole age range from all different walks of life.This is the first meeting I've ever been to where I feel totally at ease.

My second day totally in the zone and it's all systems go! I'm working uber hours this week - including 4 waking nights,which totally buggers up my eating patterns,but all has been planned to a tee.I'm even going to try and do some form of exercise while I'm here (10 hours of basically sitting around doing nothing).

I've even transformed my treadmill from a clothes-horse to a proper exercise machine.20 minutes this morning,not much but I sweated like a beeatch and pushed that speed up higher and higher till I couldn't push it no more....probably a snails pace compared to most but I'll get there eventually.

Hope everyone else is doing well.xox

That moment of realisation.

This is the photo that was my 'moment of realisation'.It was taken back in March when I was back home in Sydney.

It's so horrible.I was mortified when I saw it.Look at the size of those arms! That tummy! The countless chins!!!!!

I can't believe looking at that,that I was once actually slim.






And here is my utterly delectable 9 stone Scotsman.I am literally double his size and weight.I've posted these up as much as a reminder to myself of why I'm doing this.

Every time the temptation of sticking a chocolate in my gob or baking a luscious cake because I'm feeling blue and want to gorge on comfort food I'll come back to these photos and motivate myself again.

Yet more reasons that I'm doing this ..........

*I want to..........................
*Wear sexy,luscious lingerie again and be able to buy out of Ann Summers and Cyber Corsetry instead of Bravissimo's floral,pastely,not so sexy range.
* Make love in all sorts of bendy positions that would make a Russian gymnast proud.
* Not feel like Jack Spratt and his wife and thinking everyone else must be thinking,'what an odd couple',whenever I'm out with my man.
* Go on some adventures next year and make my 30th year the absolute jazzy-fizzle-SHIZZ!
* For once in my life be slimmer than my sister (superficial and slight bitchy I know,but I'm sure there are many of you out there with slim sisters thinking the same)
* Compete in the Race for Life in 2010.

Most of all,I'm gonna be too fabulous for this town and don't you forget it sweet cheeks!!!!!! :D

(This pearl of wisdom was uttered last week during a drunken discussion with my sister.I'm totally sticking by it and posting it on my wall ;P )

A nearly mortifying experience!

I had a briefing today for a job I have on Friday at a conference centre for a creche.We were told we would be provided uniforms and I though that it would be a matter of just filling in a form and handing it in to the supervisor,saving afore mentioned mortification.

Noooooooooooo,the supervisor just asked us all in front of each other,and the 2 other agency girls,who are lovely,but size 14's .I just wanted the floor to swallow me up,but luckily I must have some good karma stored away somewhere as the supervisor diplomatically said that she had one which she thought would fit me,saving all embarrassment.

Yet another reason to lose weight and kick my ass onto the treadmill.I NEVER want to be that embarrassing position again.I remember in year 6,when I was about 10 or 11,for some silly maths exercise or something ridiculously irrelevant,we all had to come to the front of the class and be weighed,this was all in confidence..................but the teacher then wrote everyone's weights,anonymously,onto the board. (I think we had to figure out the average for the class or something) I wasn't the biggest in the class,but I was certainly one of the bigger pupils and was dying inside to see my weight up there in black and white,heavier than most of the other kids,for everyone to see.I was 45 kgs/7 stone and about the height I am now - 5'4/163cm.



I remember reading an interview with the fabulously luscious Aussie actress Deborah Mailman,who is gorgeously curvy and totally,brilliantly talented to boot,but she had a very similar story when she was young,except the children's names were next to the weights and she was the heaviest.It was called the 'weight tree'.Deborah was talking about how it totally traumatised her throughout her childhood and still affected her self esteem,even in her 20's.

Mortifying experience number 2: I asked my partner what he weighs,as he is a wee skinny thing.I love him perfectly the way he is,he may be skinny but he still has lovely abs and arms for his frame.I've never been attracted to big muscly guys.....in fact it's a bit of a turn off for me.And I've always been self conscious of the fact that I am so big and curvy and he's so skinny,but anyways,I diverge! I asked him what he weighs and he is 9 stone!!!!! I'm literally double his weight!!!! I know I'll never be 9 stone,nor do I aim to be,but it's a reality check that I am walking around with literally my boyfriends weight as excess (I figure I need to lose 7-8 stone/44.5 - 50 kgs) and with thighs double his size!!!!

Hopefully I will finally be posting a loss next week - and for many weeks after that.Good luck!!!! xox

Dear Future Me....................

To be sent April 18th 2010, http://www.futureme.org/ .........

Hey Future Me,

How are you? Are you looking FABULOUSLY pin up sexy and slim and about to put on your cherry dress and killer red heels? Are you wearing that sexy blue corset that AngelBoy couldn't wait to see you in a year ago?

Where have you decided to go to celebrate? Are you in Prague? Tallinn? Barcelona? Florence? Have you booked that Intrepid Cairo - Istanbul trip? Or perhaps somewhere else? Either way I hope you have some major adventure planned for your 30th year on this earth.

What did AB get you? Has he got his Aussie visa yet? I hope you've got savings in a joint account and are well on your way to moving back home - do you maybe have a date set? Are you still living in the same flat? With the same flat mates? Hope you're all still getting along.I don't see why not.

Are you sickeningly fit? Can you run around the park yet? Have you beaten AB in a race? How's wee sister going? Is she still in Glasgow? Hope all is going well with her.I hope YOU'VE found a job you love at long last.And the plans to study to be a midwife are still being focused on.

Just how much weight have you lost by the way missus? 7 stone? 8 stone? 42 kgs? 48 kgs? What size are you now? Did you make sure you went to a meeting every single week? Did you combat your comfort eating and chocolate addiction? Are your eating habits truly changed for the better.Is exercise now a daily routine for you?

I know you won't be reading this disappointed because you WILL have done this!!!!!!!!!

xoxoxo Old Me

I will be pin up FABULOUS by my 30th dammit!!!!!!!

"The difficult I can do today. The impossible will take a little longer." Billie HolidayI gained a pound/0.5 kg this week.I don't understand as I have been super active this week compared to my usual self.4 mile walk up and down sand dunes,1/2 hour on the treadmill,1/2 hour walk each day round trip to and from work.

I'm totally perplexed,but i think it's probably about time I started going to meetings.It's now 46 more weeks till I hit the big 3 - 0 and I really need to get motivated and get my ass into shape.I know that I only have myself to answer to,but I just feel as though the regularity of meetings will give me that extra motivation and feeling that I have someone else to answer to.

I'm also put to shame by the fact that I went into work this morning and one of my clients had lost 4 lb's at his meeting last night.So,I'm now on a mission of finding a meeting that somehow fits in with my shift working patterns.

I still have my fab cherry dress hanging on the door,a fabulously sexy satin lace up corset that I used to be able to fit into in my closet,and boxes and boxes of utterly divine heels in boxes,awaiting the day that I can strut,strut,STRUT sexily in them without wobbling and toppling over and feeling like I want to hack my legs off coz of the pain. I can just picture myself at goal,in my 30th,at some fab cocktail bar,or possibly in some romantic location overseas with my Scotsman,in my fab cherry dress,sexy red heels and deep red or darkest purple hair (I've decided I'd treat myself to a total hair overhaul at a good salon when I reach goal).Why can't I get myself kick started to get there in reality?!?!?!? ARGH!

It's a constant roller coaster of lose 2 lb's,gain a pound,get disillusioned,binge,gain another pound,get motivated.Lose 2 pounds,gain a pound,get disillusioned,binge,gain a pound,get motivated,lose a pound......................etc. etc..........

Hopefully meetings will stop this cycle and help me focus on the goal at hand.I WILL BE PIN UP FABULOUS BY MY 30TH DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A mini victory!

I know I've already posted today,but I manage 30 mins/1.25 miles on the treadmill today.I know it's very slow compared to most,but the point is it's a start and it can only get better :D PLUS,I also went for my big long walk around the park and then to the supermarket this morning.

Whilst at the supermarket I resisted the temptation of chocolates,biscuits and cakes and instead stocked up on Cherries,Strawberries and Raspberries.So I guess that's 2 mini victories!It sounds sooooo absolutely ridiculous to be getting excited over,when I see it in print,but this is coming from a girl who is 6 stone overweight and get's puffed out walking up a mini hill!

xox

There's a thin person inside of me screaming to get out.......................

..................I just shut the bitch up with Chocolate.


Stayed the same this week.I'm happy not to have gained,but I did walk a lot this week,to and from work......mostly chasing after various forms of public transport,but nonetheless I am a teeny tiny bit disappointed that I didn't have a wee loss.

I worked absolutely CRAZY hours this week - 45 in 4 days (12 hour shift over the weekend and Monday) so I haven't been as active as I probably should've.

I do have 3 days off though and am DETERMINED to see at least a 2 pound/1 kilo loss next week,if not better.I promise myself I will move my ass this week and get on the treadmill,or walk around the park (as it's SUCH gorgeous,sunny weather,even here in Glasgow!) or do one of my exercise dvd's - I'm showing my age,was about to write video! Possibly both as I am sooooo mentally drained from work,I just want to chill out at home.So,please feel free to give me a verbal bashing if I come back online and have reported no activity for Weds,Thurs and Fri.

I am also thinking about going back to meetings too,for that extra encouragement and mentally feeling that I have someone I am 'accountable' too.It's just a bit hard being an agency shift worker and fitting in a regular meeting time.

Well I'll sign off now as it's an unbelievably gorgeous and sunny day here and so I'm off to the park with a good book and a picnic and the determination to go for a wee walk afterwards.Will be making Cafe style Banana Bread and Fresh Plum Tea Bread when I get home due to a surplus of fruit and some guests coming over tonight,so I will post photos and recipes as I promised when I first started this blog.

Hope everyone else is doing well.xoxox

Sugar Honey Ice Tea!!!!!!

I put on 3 pounds/1.25 kg this week.

It was expected,but I actually didn't think it would be that much.

I was going so well,tracking and pointing and writing everything down in my big diary,but then the long weekend came..........

Too much of a good thing - a romantic evening out on Friday at a lovely Italian restaurant.Eating both dinner AND lunch out on Sunday as well as a few too many drinks.I was a little sozzled and as such know I didn't make the right choices.Been a bit stressed about work and shifts (or lack thereof as I'm an agency worker) and bills,and as such haven't been as active as I should.In fact I haven't been active at all! Perhaps it was also a throwback from the Parisian weekend or is that just a lame excuse? Probably :P

Anyways,this is a new week and I have planned my meals for the week and did my shopping online,with lot's of fruit and veg and healthy snacks.I'll need to refrain from drinking on the weekends and eating out so much,just till I get a handle on this and actually shift something.

I feel like a broken record and feel like I'm letting myself down so often.But it's time to get serious because I CAN NOT continue at this weight,with aching knees every time I climb up stairs,out of control asthma,lagging behind my friends and AB when we're walking out and about.It's got to stop and I have got to get it in my head that I can't self medicate with food!!!!!!!!

Less than a year to my 30th.I'm not gonna be fat and 30.I've wasted enough of my 20's.

Hope everyone else is having a better week.xo

Beware the Evil Starbucks!!!!!

I'm sure I have seen many a post both on blogs and the WW 5+ board warning readers about the calorific Starbucks goodies. I also personally hate Starbucks because it's an evil global corporate conglomerate that have managed to even get their claws into the Forbidden City in China.So wrong.So,so wrong.Alas I did not heed the warnings and gave up my principles for a day and following are the consequences :(

Yesterday Angel-Boy and I were both working in the city so we decided after a leisurely lie in to have breakfast out together.AB was craving a panini,and he is a MAJORLY fussy eater,especially when he sets his mind on something.I'm a far more adventurous eater (water buffalo intestines on lotus stalks,anyone?) and can usually find something on any menu we happen upon.AB settled upon Starbucks,I thought I would wisely choose some fruit and yogurt and water,but as it was nearing 12 and we hadn't eaten a thing,In was quite ravenous and therefore thought I wisely chose the tuna panini.Uh-uh!..............9.5 points!!!!!!! EEK! Luckily I managed to salvage some the rest of the day with low point dinner and snacks,and the panini was my breakfast and lunch combined (not good,I know!)

Oh well,no point getting worked up about it still stayed within points and know to be wiser next time.I'm not expecting as big a loss this week,if one at all,and will just look forward to being more on track careful next week.

I'm ashamed to admit that I have not done anywhere near the exercise I had planned for myself this week :( Not even got on my treadmill this week but I have walked a lot more by getting off the bus earlier,blah blah,all the usual tricks we all know and love and have hammered into us everywhere we go.

Well,I have to sign off now as I have to work.Shift working and weekends suck!Hope everyone else is going well.xo

Just another random blether.....

I'm finally back in Glasgow and back to real life after my trip home,then off to see the rellies in Berlin,then a b'day weeknd in Paris.Now Ladies,there is nothing better for the self esteem than a weekend in Paris.The men are utterly DIVINE,I would actually describe them as beautiful as they are so delicately featured and chisilled.Obviously they are renowned as notorius flirts,but I actually got asked out by a lovely lady at the Eiffel Tower - now that is the best souvenier you could ever bring home,AND one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen in my entire life.He was an exquisite half French - half Tahitian stunner.I felt like a wee giggly schoolgirl and blushed as red as a rose when he first spoke to me.

Alas,I am very happily in love and committed to my gorgeous wee Scottish Angel-boy so it was a strictly look - but -don't touch flirtation,but it was still nice to feel gorgeous and lusted after,especially as Scotsmen aren't exactly known for their romantic and flirting skills.

I was quite surprised to step on the scales after Paris and find that I had lost 4 lb/2kgs!!!!!! It must be all the walking and bloody stairs!!!! We ate the most delicious food,and quite a few macarons and pastries,quite rich,but then it was all good food involving lots of veg and good cuts of meat.The French sure know how to live and enjoy their food without deprivation and chemically,synthetic diet tastes.

But anyways,I diverge.After coming back from Oz and Berlin I stepped onto the scales and was the heaviest I have ever been - 19s 7lb.EEK! And to top it all off my parents and sister sat me down and had a wee chat to me about their concern for my weight and health,as the last time they saw me I was about 5 1/2 stone slimmer.Then after our Berlin trip,my angel-boy told me that he was concerned about my health,as we were on a 4th floor flat and I was near collapse after all those stairs,as well as the 2 flights at every train station.

Me,being the drama queen that I am,miscontstrued this as 'He doesn't find me attractive anymore'.Of course at the time I probably knew this wasn't true,but am just prone to dramatic moments.

This has been the kick up the bum I needed and I am pleased to report that I have been planning and tracking and pointing religiously,to the point where I carry about a big,page a day diary with me to work etc. so I can write down everything I eat.Does this seem a bit excessive? It's what I need to do though,as I can't be this size/weight and rising any longer! My asthma is extremely bad lately and I nearly spontaneously combusted after all those stairs in Berlin and Paris.And,my big goal of being FABULOUS by the big 3-0 is now only a year away and my aim is 50kgs/100lb by mid April next year.

So,it's another (and hopefully last) new beginning,4lb down,another 96 to go!!!!!!!!!!

xox

Aussie beach body! Aussie beach body! Aussie beach body!

Hello everyone.

One more week left in Sydney then it's back to grey old Glasgow :( Spent the morning on Bondi beach,probably the most famous Aussie beach in the world and discovered a new obsession - checking out other girls bodies.Does anyone else do this? Not in a pervy way,of course,but I just mean admiring and imagining what it would be like to have that flat stomach,those lovely thighs,her peachy and perky bum.I know it's an unwritten rule to not compare ones self with other women as we all have different shapes,builds,where we carry our weight etc.,but I've found myself constantly admiring and imagining myself with the bodies I see on the beach.

I am sooooooo damn determined that I will be able to strut down the beach in a bikini and also be able to run the length of Bondi on the soft sand bit.I was watching all these healthy,uber fit men and women running up and down the soft sand bit and that gave me another goal and motivation.The list keeps growing! And by the way,this was all at 8:30 in the morning - Sunday morning I might add.I was up so early as I had a breakfast with friends,not because I am a sunday morning fitness angel........but I will be!

So,that brings me to this interesting article on weight loss I found in a Sydney paper.Hopefully the copyright demons won't chase after me as I found this really helpful and will print it out and pop it on my wall somewhere..................

10 TOP TIPS TO SLIMMING SUCCESS

1. KNOW YOUR OUTCOME.

What do you want?

*To be fit and healthy,slim,but still keep my boobs and have a peachy bum.

*To be able to run around my local park - the entire jogging path,including heartbreak hill,and not need to use my asthma inhaler.

*Challenge my other half to a race...........and kick his ass!!!!! :D To be able to swim a half hour session without needing my Ventolin or take a break.

*To make wiser decisions when eating out,but not be fanatical and obsessive about every bite that goes into my mouth.

*Still enjoy baking without inhaling the whole cake or batch of cookies/cupcakes etc.

* TO BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!

What is your final moment of success?

*Fitting into size 12 (I was aiming for 14,but why not set the challenge a little higher and see what happens) comfortably.

*Jogging around the parks entirety and swim half an hour without needing my Ventolin.

*Being able to run on the soft sand,the entire length of Bondi Beach,without feeling as if I am going to throw up,pass out and collapse in front of everyone,especially the hunk - o - spunk Bondi lifesavers (spunk means something different here BTW - good looking,gorgeous)

2. LIST YOUR REASONS

WHY do you want this?......

* It is not healthy for me to be this weight and size (18 stone,nearly 19/119kg's.Size 22-24)

* I am asthmatic

* I deserve to be beautiful,while I don't equate this necessarily to being slim,i do want to be healthy and glowing from all my new found energy instead of being red in the face and constantly swigging at my Ventolin.

* I want to wear my pretty vintage dresses and be able to saunter in heels without discomfort because I am too heavy.

* I want to be able to shop in 'normal' shops and buy nice,fashionable clothes off the rack.

* I want to look back at photos and smile and feel good about myself.

* I'll be 30 next year!!!!!!

What will it do for you?

* I will feel confident and happy about myself and when someone tells me I am beautiful.........I will actually believe it!

What is important to you about achieving this goal?

* To feel worthy and happy and confident,instead of feeling like a fat blob or a beached whale when I am laying on the beach.

*To be healthy and have my asthma under control,and to be able to achieve all the things I listed above.

3. WRITE YOUR GOAL DOWN.

State it in the positive and as if you have already achieved it.

I now weigh a trim,slim,energetic 80 kg/12.5 stone.I am a size 12 - 14.I can jog and swim without needing my Ventolin and have achieved everything I have listed.

4. VISUALISE YOUR GOAL

Visualise yourself at your goal weight on a daily basis.Picture your success in your mind.

The model on the left is a size 14,the one on the right is a 12.They look pretty damn good to me :D I will be happy to look as good as them,especially the 14 - such killer,womanly curves!!!!!

5. ACTION STEPS

Make a list of all of the action steps you need to reach your goal.

* I need to re-think my attitude to food.Food is enjoyment and nourishment but NOT comfort.Must curb my emotional eating.

* Chocolate and other vices are treats and to be treated as such.No deprivation,just moderation.I will aim to have one fun size chocolate at the end of each day as a wee treat.....not 10,just 1!

* Size 12,bikini body and/or jogging _____'s park without my Ventolin will be my new mantras.

* I will aim to walk at least 1/2 an hour around the park or on my treadmill each day,and try to swim at least 2 times per week.(Keep chanting that mantra!)

* I will plan my meals and try at least 2 new recipes each week.

* I will ask myself if it's physical hunger or emotional hunger when I get cravings for unhealthy foods.

* I will enlist the support.motivation,encouragement and at times kick's up the bum from my angel of an OH (who is already very encouraging and supportive and makes me feel beautiful anyways......I know,bring out the violins.LOL!How very hallmark card of me.) and my sister and friends and workmates and clients.

Phew,that's quite long.I often forget that other people read this and it's not just a place for my ramblings.I will write up the next 5 tips in the next few days and the tips in a condensed form without my twitterings in case anyone else finds it useful and wants to print one up.

Hope everyone else is on track.And recipes will re-commence when I get back to Glasgow,and Shanna,I promise to put up pics of the dresses when I'm back in Glasgow too.

xoxoxoxo

I got my mojo back,babeeeeee! (I want an Aussie bikini body)

Yes,there is nothing like spending a month in Sydney to kick a girls ass into motivation mode.EVERYONE here is so healthy! There are hardly any obese people here - seriously!All my friends and family are slim,healthy,(naturally) tanned and fit and gorgeous.Not everyone is a skinny minnie size zero,far from it,but they just LOOK so healthy and fit.I just feel like a fat blob next to them.

Especially after spending a weekend with my bestest mate,who is a natural size 8 - 10.Now let me tell you,the girl EATS.Like a horse in fact,but she's just blessed with a great metabolism.And she's gorgeous and funny and such a lovely person.The injustice of it all! Lol!

Now she would never,ever make me feel bad about myself......far from it,in fact she is so encouraging and focuses on my positives and is constantly telling me how gorgeous and fab (everyone needs a friend like this) I am and how I WILL do this,as I am determined,without ever being condescending and making me feel like a massive lard @ss.I hope everyone has friends as encouraging as this :D

The problem lies with me and my body issues,I just felt so fat and insecure next to her.No fault of hers.It was just that she was able to fit into cute wee shorts and skirts and lovely little summery halterneck tops.While I was wearing large,loose shirts and wide leg trousers in an attempt to look slimmer than I am.

But,not to worry,I am using this all as a positive,and turning it into motivation.Hopefully when I come back in 13 months to celebrate my 30th,I shall be strutting proudly down the beach in a gorgeous Bettie Page style bikini,or my gorgeous vintage style heels (I am simply to heavy to walk in them painlessly) and one of my 10 (yes,10!) 1950's style summer dresses I bought in a size 14,in order to motivate myself into losing these d@mn pounds,instead of worrying that Greenpeace will call in the rainbow warrior to rescue me from the beach after mistaking me for a beached whale!

And yes,while I haven't been pointing and tracking,I do find that I am subconsciously choosing healthier options and snacking on all the absolutely juicy and divine fruits on offer here.

Hope everyone else is doing well.xoxoxo

I'm back!

Well,I haven't been on for a wee while coz I've been busy preparing and am now back home in Sydney,Australia :D

I'm only here for a month,so I am not religiously tracking and pointing things,because,quite frankly,the quality and price of fresh fruit,veg and food is general in Scotland is shite and absolutely extortionate! Whereas over here,the food and fresh fruit and veg is absolutely DIVINE and cheap!!!! Yesterday I got 3 big bags of huge and lusciously sweet and juicy nectarines,peaches and kiwi fruits,and it came to a grand total of 4.50 pounds (no pound sign on this Aussie computer)

Sooooo,basically I want to just enjoy myself and eat as much fruit and good food as I want,coz I'm back in Scotland for at least a year,and it's back to watery apples and pears :( Also,I haven't been home for 5 YEARS!!!!!!) As you can imagine,there are a million and one friend who want to catch up with me for home cooked dinners and socialising at restaurants,and I don't want to be conscious of points and fat content etc. when I've not seen these people for 5 years.

But,I am proud to say,that I have not eaten many bad things or made too many bad choices since I;ve been here,simply because it's wayyyyyy too hot to eat anything greasy,chocolatey,gooily sticky and sweet.No wonder I put on 4 1/2 stone since moving over to Scotland!

And can I just say,there is NOTHING like the site of gorgeous beach bronzed and buff bikini beach bodies to kick a girls ass into getting into shape and shifting some flab! I also found some old photos and old clothes I left at my parents...........and I was slim!!!!!! A size 14!!!!!!!! And to think I used to beat myself up about that and think I was fat!!!!!!

Anyways,the goal still is to be that size by my 30th,which is 14 months away.I can do this and will get serious when I get back to Glasgow.......coupled with the fact that my much slimmer sister is coming back with me,I'm sure I'll be motivated and in the right frame of mind.Next time I come to Sydney I want to strut down the beach in my swimmers with confidence and pride........Hell,maybe even in a bikini!!!!!

Hope everyone else is doing well.xoxo

Well,I put on 3 pounds.I kinda expected a gain after my disastrous weekend,but not that much! I did take out my frustrations from the traumatic shopping trip on a few pieces of southern fried chicken and chips and of course,my former (or so I thought) comforting friend,chocolate.

I did however somehow stay within points,but I did not eat all my points the next few days in an attempt to claw back from my dismal comfort binge.

Oh well.Do you know what though,I'm not gonna get upset about it.I'm not gonna go and self medicate with a bar of chocolate.I'm not going to cry and scream and get depressed.It's just 3 pounds.There are people out there worse off than me and there are greater things in the world to worry about than a few pounds.

Instead,I'm going to go on the treadmill later and track what I am eating for the rest of the week.My trousers feel looser,I am walking faster and further,I am not using my Ventolin as much.I will instead focus on these positives.

Speaking of positives,I would like to share a few positive quotes with you all,as I feel we,women especially,are beating ourselves up too much about conforming to the Western body beautiful,instead of celebrating the fact we are all individual and fabulous and womanly and that we are actually off our arses doing something for,above everything else,our health.

Here is my favourite quote from all time.I cant remember it exactly,but this is it more or less,from a fabulous book called Eva Luna by Isabelle Allende

'When I was 13 I became beautiful.......not because I was,but because I decided I was'

I want to get this tattooed when I get to my goal,in a condensed form,maybe 'I am beautiful because I choose to be'.I would also probably get it another script,maybe Arabic or Thai,so that it would be my little secret inspiration.

I've also just finished reading a book called 'Eat,pray,love' by Elizabeth Gilbert (well recommended,although she does get a bit too 'American and preachy' at times) She talks about a fabulous friend she has who said to her once while she was looking at herself in a mirror

'Admittedly I'm not one who looks fantastic in everything,but still I cannot help loving myself'

And another..............

'To allow others to be your yardstick will keep you enslaved all your life.'

xox

ARGH! Body Facism!!!!!

Well,Ive had a bit of an all over the place weekend,contributed to,by several incidents.

Firstly,I went clothes shopping on Friday,which is traumatic at the best of times,but that day I just wasn't able to find anything I liked.Everything I tried on made me look frumpy.It seems that plus size designers seem to think that swathes of unappealing,garishly patterned fabric will suffice for us curvaceous ladies.And then when I did find something I liked,my d@amn ample bosom made it appear as if the bust bit was bursting at the seams.So if you're above a size 16 it's either a tent or a too small,cleavage popping outfit,that would put a stripper to shame!

Now,I am usually quite a confident woman,but for some reason that shopping expedition knocked my self esteem for 6! I think perhaps the fact that I was shopping for summer clothes for my impending trip home was playing on my mind,as I have put on at least 3 stone and 3 dress sizes since I moved to Scotland 5 years ago.I've not been home to Sydney,Australia since,and am quite self conscious that peoples first thoughts will be my weight gain.I know its silly and like all my friends and my darling partner say,no one will be thinking about that,they'll just be so happy to see me after a long absence,I still can't help feeling down.

In Australia we don't have tabloids,or magazines like reveal,closer or heat,with their relentless persecution of women's bodies and 'circles of shame'.I personally boycott them for the above reasons,but I happened across one at my mates place...........and wish I hadn't bothered.There was the infamous 'fat' pictures of Jessica Simpson,and various diet tips from celebrities,which were just utter,jaw dropping madness! There was the usual,don't eat carbs,don't eat after 6,do the special K diet when you're feeling fat etc, and some absolutely ludicrous ones,but the thing is,these ladies are scarily thin anyways.Size 6 -8.I want to be a 14! I want to eat carbs when I want! I want to enjoy eating out with friends! I want to enjoy eggs,yolks and all! When will this madness end?

On Friday night I had a girls night in,chatting to a fabulous friend of mine who is an actress.She too is a curvaceous lady,always has been and always has been confident..........until now.She has confided in me that she is thinking about giving up acting! This has been her dream since she was wee,and what she has studied and struggled through a hard actors life for,with many a month without work.She has been in some great BBC shows,and is obviously talented,but the reason she is giving up her dream?!?!??!!? Her size!!!!!!! If you ain't a skinny minnie,there ain't no work for you.I am utterly devastated for her and for women as a whole as she lives and breathes acting,its her calling and her passion,and for her to give it up because of her size? Well its just makes me so angry I could cry.

After that chat,I awoke on the Saturday morning to The truth about Size Zero' with Louise Redknapp.I had been wanting to watch this for a while,and thought 'yay,finally someone speaking out about the madness of size zero',but I couldn't be more wrong........................

For one,Louise Rednapp was a scarily tiny 7 STONE something when she started the size 0 diet - a tiny size 8.Her BMI and weight was bordering on unhealthy! Could they not have got a healthy size 12 to really show the point? part of me thought it was a bit too put on and staged,surely the diet was not that much different from what she usually ate?

And Louise interviewed Denise Van Outen who proceeded to say she 'Loved her curves and her boobs and her bum' What curves,woman? What boobs and what bum? Get outta here!!!!!!

I know,that it is not healthy to be obese,but nor is it healthy for these girls to be subsisting on lettuce and egg white omelette's,or for a grown woman to weigh 7 stone and have a BMI and weight bordering on unhealthy.

To top it all off I got this months weight watchers to get some recipes and stay motivated.And I feel like shit now,cos the cover girl's weight loss was a whopping 2 stone!!!!!! WOW! And she went from a massive size 14 to a 10!!!! WOW!

NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?!? A size 14 is considered fat?!?!?!?!?? That is worthy of a cover of a slimming magazine??? There was a woman in there who went from a size 30,to a 12,surely that is worthy of a cover?

And then I go over onto my facebook and check out one of my mates new photo albums of her on holiday in Bali and in her captions for 'who is in this album' she put 'me,carol,ben,blah,blah blah and 'my gut'.Now this girl is TINY - I'd say a size 8.My gut,my arse!!!!! I'm sick of size 10 girls going on about how fat they are in front of me - if they think they're fat what the hell do they think of me?I'm sick of being told I have such a pretty face and how I'd be even more beautiful if I lost some weight,I'm sick of how a skinny girl can have an ugly face but guys will fall at her feet,yet a girl whose big and curvy but has a STUNNING face,doesn't get a look in.I'm pissed off at myself for allowing myself to be unhappy with myself for all the above reasons.I'd like to say that the only reason I'm trying to lose weight is to be healthy,but i must admit it's for totally superficial aesthetic reasons too.

I can't believe I'm given up my feminist principles to fit into a dress.I don't even find skinny girls attractive,I like my 1940's and 50's style women,luscious and curvy.ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This society SUCKS! I should move to Cuba.

Recipes (couldn't think of a more exciting title)

As promised here are the Blueberry Lemon Drop Babycakes.........

1oo g flour
1 tsp baking powder
5 tsp Caster Sugar
Few drops vanilla essence
Dash cinamon and/ or nutmeg (both optional)
2 medium eggs,beaten
6 Tbs/75 ml skimmed milk
100g blueberries
1 lemon,zest and juice

Optional, Small pot 0% fat greek yogurt
1 Tbs honey

1.Sift all the dry ingredients in one bowl,make a well in the centre and add the eggs and whisk,gradually adding the milk and juice till smooth.You may need more milk than the recipe states,or alternately,use water.
2.Mix in lemon zest and blueberries.
3.Drop Tablespoons of the mix into a pan sprayed with frylite etc. and cook till bubbles appear and start to stop,then flip and cook on the other side.Serve with greek yogurt and honey.

Serves 4,makes 12. 3 points with yogurt and honey,2.5 without.

BNS Gnocchi Gratin

400g Butternut Squash
1 red onion,chopped into wedges
Pinch of Sage
Pinch of Parsley
Paprika
250g Gnocchi
250g Passata or 1/2 tub WW Neapolitan sauce

1.Cube the BNS and sprinkle with Paprika (optional),add the onion wedges and cook in oven on moderate heat.
2.Cook the Gnocchi according to packet directions,drain and keep warm.
3.Once the BNS is cooked through,put it into a heatproof dish,with the onions.Add the Gnocchi and the herbs and stir in the passata/neapolitan sauce.Bake in oven approx 10 mins at 180 degrees.

1 1/2 points per serving.Add parmesan cheese,optional,points 2 1/2 per serving.

Here's todays menu................

B: Big bowl special K creamy bliss 3

L: 3 weight watchers wraps 4.5
1 serving wafer thin ham 1
1 Tbs low fat mayo 1
2 Tbs Light Philly with garlic and herbs 3
1 bag Ryvita limbos,cheese and onion 1

D:1/3 portion brown rice 1.5
Tinned mackerel in tomato sauce 3.5
4 tablespoons sweetcorn 1.5

S:Mini snack a jacks 1.5
Pineapple 0.5
1 mini kit-kat 2.5
WW yogurt peach 0.5
S/F jelly if I'm still hungry

xox